I keep finding myself struggling with the right way to describe how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what's going on inside my own mind. Finding the words, the right words nonetheless, to explain to others, and sometimes myself. Suffering from a mental disorder is the worst thing in that way. Suffering from more than one mental disorder at the same time is thousands and thousands times worse, and I would much rather break both my legs, just so that I could point at a casket as an explanation to why I can't be there and do what I'm supposed to do whenever I'm asked to do something that is expected from me.
I'm constantly anxious of being judged by others. Not only by my actions and what I believe in and say, but also by the lack of my actions, by the lack of communicating with my peers.
I get anxious when I'm about to talk or trying to come up with something to say. I get anxious when I'm talking because I've yet to see and/or hear the reaction. So I stay quiet. I isolate myself.
I also get anxious because I stay quiet and when I stay quiet for too long. And it's even worse when I get selfconscious about my own ongoing behavior.
I keep feeling ashamed of my own behavior, the lack of communication. I keep blaming myself for what's going on and for how I feel, and for not doing anything about it. Or at least that's one of the many things I'm worried about people are thinking; that I'm not even trying.
Every day is a struggle. Every morning I just want to go back to sleep, disappear back into the subconscious state of mind I just woke up from. Every night I just want to stay awake, keep away from a subconscious state of mind that against my own will keeps reminding me of what's going on. If I fall asleep I also have to wake up and face a new morning, a new day of worrying.
Every day I'm longing for just being around people, take part in conversations, share my thoughts, and also listen to what they have to say. Get away from myself and my self inflicted loneliness.
Every day I feel extremely anxious whenever I am around people. I keep counting the hours, minutes, seconds until I can get away from the spotlight. The spotlight that's not even pointed at me. Why would there even be a spotlight pointed at me?
I want there to be a spotlight pointed at me, I don't want to stand in the dark.
I don't want a spotlight to be pointed at me, I don't want to be exposed.
By just looking at it from afar it just seems to lack everything what logic is. It doesn't make sense, not at all.
Being in the middle of it all however, doesn't make it make more sense either, but the main difference is that everything that's wrong with this behavior seems logical in the most wicked ways....even though it's not logical at all.
And I'm also having trouble deciding if being this self aware of it all is a good or a bad thing. Objectively the most logical answer would be that it's extremely good. Being aware of the problem is a huge step in the right direction. But for some unexplainable reason it makes me even more anxious knowing so much about all the nuts and bolts of it all. Sometimes I wish I didn't find psychology to be an interesting subject, even though it's the very thing that has given me the most insight in life overall.
Listening to: Danswers
Reading: Anxiety as an ally
Watching: The walking dead
Playing: The Binding of Isaac