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About Literature / Hobbyist They used to call me MythMale/Sweden Recent Activity
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ToxicAntidote
They used to call me Myth
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
Sweden
Current Residence: The Universe
Favourite genre of music: Chiptune
Favourite style of art: Street art
Personal Quote: I am the enemy, I am the antidote.
Interests
I keep finding myself struggling with the right way to describe how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what's going on inside my own mind. Finding the words, the right words nonetheless, to explain to others, and sometimes myself. Suffering from a mental disorder is the worst thing in that way. Suffering from more than one mental disorder at the same time is thousands and thousands times worse, and I would much rather break both my legs, just so that I could point at a casket as an explanation to why I can't be there and do what I'm supposed to do whenever I'm asked to do something that is expected from me.

I'm constantly anxious of being judged by others. Not only by my actions and what I believe in and say, but also by the lack of my actions, by the lack of communicating with my peers.
I get anxious when I'm about to talk or trying to come up with something to say. I get anxious when I'm talking because I've yet to see and/or hear the reaction. So I stay quiet. I isolate myself.

I also get anxious because I stay quiet and when I stay quiet for too long. And it's even worse when I get selfconscious about my own ongoing behavior.
I keep feeling ashamed of my own behavior, the lack of communication. I keep blaming myself for what's going on and for how I feel, and for not doing anything about it. Or at least that's one of the many things I'm worried about people are thinking; that I'm not even trying.

Every day is a struggle. Every morning I just want to go back to sleep, disappear back into the subconscious state of mind I just woke up from. Every night I just want to stay awake, keep away from a subconscious state of mind that against my own will keeps reminding me of what's going on. If I fall asleep I also have to wake up and face a new morning, a new day of worrying.
Every day I'm longing for just being around people, take part in conversations, share my thoughts, and also listen to what they have to say. Get away from myself and my self inflicted loneliness.
Every day I feel extremely anxious whenever I am around people. I keep counting the hours, minutes, seconds until I can get away from the spotlight. The spotlight that's not even pointed at me. Why would there even be a spotlight pointed at me?
I want there to be a spotlight pointed at me, I don't want to stand in the dark.
I don't want a spotlight to be pointed at me, I don't want to be exposed.

By just looking at it from afar it just seems to lack everything what logic is. It doesn't make sense, not at all.
Being in the middle of it all however, doesn't make it make more sense either, but the main difference is that everything that's wrong with this behavior seems logical in the most wicked ways....even though it's not logical at all.

And I'm also having trouble deciding if being this self aware of it all is a good or a bad thing. Objectively the most logical answer would be that it's extremely good. Being aware of the problem is a huge step in the right direction. But for some unexplainable reason it makes me even more anxious knowing so much about all the nuts and bolts of it all. Sometimes I wish I didn't find psychology to be an interesting subject, even though it's the very thing that has given me the most insight in life overall.
  • Listening to: Danswers
  • Reading: Anxiety as an ally
  • Watching: The walking dead
  • Playing: The Binding of Isaac
  • Eating: Bread
  • Drinking: Water

Journal History

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:iconangstzombie:
AngstZombie Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thank you very much for the fav (:
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:iconphoenixfeatherxlight:
phoenixfeatherxlight Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2013   General Artist
thanks so much for the watch Blush emoticon Kitty Smile - NaNo18 !
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:iconbi-babedayanddark:
Bi-BabeDayandDark Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the watch.
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:iconjokernaiper:
jokernaiper Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
gracias por el favorito suscribite a mi si queres ver mas XD
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:icondracolunarisignitus:
DracoLunarisIgnitus Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank You for faving Nuka cola :)
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:icongnapp:
Gnapp Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for watching!
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:iconmasqueradeshadow:
MasqueradeShadow Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the favorite!
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:iconth3emoo:
Th3EmOo Featured By Owner May 26, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Hello and welcome :heart:ToxicAntidote:heart: in our group :iconflartograph:

:bulletgreen:Hope we can see your best artworks over there
and don't forget to read our :bulletred: Rules and Informations :bulletred: ..
and why :star: we are Special :star:

:star:If you want any help please ask the Founder or the Co-founders ..

Thank you :hug:

Greetings *Mr-EmOo
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:iconnothing4free:
Nothing4Free Featured By Owner May 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for faving my t-shirt design :3
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:iconwaq1:
Waq1 Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Thanks For the fav! :)
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:iconrayheartlove:
RayHeartLove Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav! :squee:
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:iconcaxe:
CaXe Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You don't have to respond... I'm just letting you know that I hope you are doing okay. You've seemed down lately. I hope things are starting to get better.
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:icontoxicantidote:
ToxicAntidote Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I miss you! Where did you go!? Please, come back! :(
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:iconsingingstranger:
singingstranger Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you so much for the watch :love:
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:icontoxicantidote:
ToxicAntidote Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. I'd a quick glance at your galleries, and I like what I've seen so far. =)
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:iconsingingstranger:
singingstranger Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Student General Artist
I feel honored :blushes: :D
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:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hi there! Sorry for the late reply...thanks so much for the fave of "Sublime." I really appreciate it! :handshake:
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:icontoxicantidote:
ToxicAntidote Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No worries. The pleasure is all mine. =)
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:iconalicetiger:
Alicetiger Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2012
Thanks for the fave:).
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:iconscreamingexplosion:
ScreamingExplosion Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello there :) I just wanted to say, that I really like your poems and stuff :omg: Keep it going, they are beautiful!

--
Anything can be Art, anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it! ~Frank Iero
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