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ToxicAntidote

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I keep finding myself struggling with the right way to describe how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what's going on inside my own mind. Finding the words, the right words nonetheless, to explain to others, and sometimes myself. Suffering from a mental disorder is the worst thing in that way. Suffering from more than one mental disorder at the same time is thousands and thousands times worse, and I would much rather break both my legs, just so that I could point at a casket as an explanation to why I can't be there and do what I'm supposed to do whenever I'm asked to do something that is expected from me.

I'm constantly anxious of being judged by others. Not only by my actions and what I believe in and say, but also by the lack of my actions, by the lack of communicating with my peers.
I get anxious when I'm about to talk or trying to come up with something to say. I get anxious when I'm talking because I've yet to see and/or hear the reaction. So I stay quiet. I isolate myself.

I also get anxious because I stay quiet and when I stay quiet for too long. And it's even worse when I get selfconscious about my own ongoing behavior.
I keep feeling ashamed of my own behavior, the lack of communication. I keep blaming myself for what's going on and for how I feel, and for not doing anything about it. Or at least that's one of the many things I'm worried about people are thinking; that I'm not even trying.

Every day is a struggle. Every morning I just want to go back to sleep, disappear back into the subconscious state of mind I just woke up from. Every night I just want to stay awake, keep away from a subconscious state of mind that against my own will keeps reminding me of what's going on. If I fall asleep I also have to wake up and face a new morning, a new day of worrying.
Every day I'm longing for just being around people, take part in conversations, share my thoughts, and also listen to what they have to say. Get away from myself and my self inflicted loneliness.
Every day I feel extremely anxious whenever I am around people. I keep counting the hours, minutes, seconds until I can get away from the spotlight. The spotlight that's not even pointed at me. Why would there even be a spotlight pointed at me?
I want there to be a spotlight pointed at me, I don't want to stand in the dark.
I don't want a spotlight to be pointed at me, I don't want to be exposed.

By just looking at it from afar it just seems to lack everything what logic is. It doesn't make sense, not at all.
Being in the middle of it all however, doesn't make it make more sense either, but the main difference is that everything that's wrong with this behavior seems logical in the most wicked ways....even though it's not logical at all.

And I'm also having trouble deciding if being this self aware of it all is a good or a bad thing. Objectively the most logical answer would be that it's extremely good. Being aware of the problem is a huge step in the right direction. But for some unexplainable reason it makes me even more anxious knowing so much about all the nuts and bolts of it all. Sometimes I wish I didn't find psychology to be an interesting subject, even though it's the very thing that has given me the most insight in life overall.
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Want to know one of the worst parts right now? 
The times when I fall into those dark thoughts of that things would be so much simpler if I got some kind of physical injury instead. Those kind of thoughts have been more frequent lately. Just say that I broke one of my legs. Then it would so much easier for both myself and other around me to see and understand that when this leg has healed, then I'm ready to move forward again. Or I got assaulted by someone. Just randomly, or because of some kind of feud or something. Then I could use that as an excuse for that I need to heal and feel safe again before I can move forward. 
But with these damn....mental ghosts(?)...I can't put a finger on how and when I will ever feel healthy....feel normal again. Live a normal life again.

I've had these issues for many years. It's just that everything has gotten worse over the past seven years. 
Some periods of time I've actually felt like that I were healthy enough to move on. I felt happy that I had a job, had good friends, started lifting wights, ate more healthy and ate at regular times, had good nights of sleep most of the time, and so on.

But now, now it feels exactly the opposite of that. 
And in just a couple of days it could probably feel good again. And then after a few hours everything is bad again. A fucking unstoppable rollercoaster of emotions. Emotions that I all too often have problems to first of all understand, and also to control.

I'm going have to wait for over two weeks until my next therapy session, and I'm scared that I'll have crawled back into my own "safety bubble" again, that made me have problems talking at all at those sessions. Not that I'm very good at talking now, but at least I'm getting better at it over time. 
I got so much chaos going on inside my damn mind that I wish I could put into words. Especially when going to these sessions. But it feels like everything's just stuck inside when I finally get my chance to sit down and talk about whatever's on my mind.

I were supposed to start working again yesterday. But the night before I couldn't catch one single hour of sleep. My mind kept on struggling with how I and others would react to me coming back again. I kept worrying about if I got worse again that I would have to stay home for a longer period of time.
It's that damn fear, those damn worries....

And worst of all....I can't seem to be able to get away from those self destructive thoughts of me getting physically injured instead to make everything easier to handle. 
I even started thinking about how people would react if I died. Either by my own hand or because of some accident. Different scenarios of accidents started to form in my mind. Getting hit by a forklift at work. Accidently shifting lanes straight into a truck with my car. Leaning too far over a bridge's reeling. So many ways to accidently die.
But I don't want to die. I want to live.....most of the time. 
Kind of getting stuck in the loop "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live". 
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Earlier this evening I sent two texts, to two different individuals, and some other messages to a few other individuals.
I probably shouldn't have done that.
Not that it was they were mean in any way, but it probably made me look even more pathetic than I already am. I'm not even sure what I expected to happen. Maybe that THIS time I get some kind of response...maybe even some kind of positive response?

I keep wishing that I had some physical injury, instead of this damn mental illness. I would be so much easier for me, and others, to grasp. So much easier to see what's actually faulty and to see when things are getting better, and maybe even fully recovered. But no, I'm stuck with my own mind instead.
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I don't know how many times I've had to force myself to not text her. 
Just now I wrote a text, that was both happy in some ways and sad in others. 
My mind's just drifting up and down, all over the place. 
I just need to hold out. I just need to focus on something else. 
It's just that...during the weekends I tend to feel more lonely, and that triggers me to think about how much I miss her. 
One of the greatest friends I ever had, and I just had to ruin it for both of us. 


I guess I should just feel lucky if those I cared about didn't leave me when I get too emotional.
I guess that's just something you shouldn't take for granted, that friends that said that they always be there for you would understand and actually have faith 'till the end.
I guess I'm just not lucky enough.
At least I have my apartment.
My own dark place to spend my time alone.

"Oh no, he's being emotional and jabbing about being depressed and alone again. Let's just leave him alone so he can get up on his own, and then we be his friend."

If you don't believe me, well that's exactly how it's been for the past seven years.
So who are you to judge me when this is how my experiences with very close friends have been?
I'm not saying that it has to be this way, I just happen to fall into this dark mood all too often nowadays, and that seems to scare people off. And when that happens I panic, and when I panic I mess shit up. And that makes people leave me even more. And so it continuous over and over again.

I can't stress this enough; please stop telling me to pull myself together, because first of all you would think I was being an ass if I told you the very same in a similar situation. Second, I can't make this on my own. I just can't. My lowest times are just too damn low and hurts too much for me to even restore enough energy when I'm my peak for me to deal with when I'm going down again.
It's just how it is, and will be until I meet someone that actually has the patience to deal with my worst sides and help me feel worthy of living.

So far I have met people I thought would stay with me even when I was getting too emotional. They actually have been very patient for very long periods of time. But it all falls at the end when it suddenly becomes enough...and without even telling me that it's about to be...it just happens and I'm out on my own again....until next time...

It literary scares me so much that for every time this happens I get more and more scared of letting people near me, more and more scared of getting to know new people. And therefore putting myself in situations where I'm so damn alone that I'm starting to wish that I was dead, so that both I and the rest of the world just didn't have to deal with my fucking bullshit ever again.
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Who am I?

3 min read
27 year old/young man, who should be living his prime time of life, but instead keeps repeating and threshing my old mistakes, experiences, memories and whatnot. A person who has been through a fucking hell most of his life, with extreme family feuds at home at an early age (99% just being a wittiness to all the horrible shit).
Later on taking shit from bullies throughout most of primary-school, middle school and secondary school.
Not only bullied by regular bullies, but also (could probably mostly be called teasing) by the few friends I had at some times.
With extremely low self esteem pushing through high-school with good grades in a few subjects, but with barely passed grades in most, and really bad grades in some other subjects.
After high-school off to a bad start as unemployed for over five years, and slowly trying to get by as I'm being called a lazy non working freeloader by a upset mom, whom herself barely gets by both economically and at some times mentally.
Now, living with tons of shame, low self esteem and guilt because of all my bad behavior cased by all that shit I went through earlier, and trying to run away from all of my problem just pushing them forward, and not taking responsibility for my actions and just trying to find someone else to blame it all on...because I'm too scared, afraid of falling and failing everything and everyone over and over again.
Developed a very serious depression over a very long time, and I have to say STOP, no more! I should have done a long time ago. 


I'm closing down most of my so called 'social' accounts, since I'm more harm towards others and myself at this moment. I can't handle it, and I need professional help to get through everything.

I just want to make sure that everyone that I've hurt, I don't blame you. I never really did. I ALWAYS blamed myself at least ten times more than I made it look like I did towards you. I was, and still am, very scared and lost in my own mind, and I'm about to have a total breakdown. At least there's only up from here, right?
I don't know anymore. I just need to BACK THE FUCK OFF from everything, and everyone.

I'm so, so very sorry for all the harm I've done. I NEVER meant to....I know it's hard to trust me because of it all....but I never did mean any harm...though that doesn't make it ok and of course never can undo what I've done.

Stay strong, and never give up. I wont.
Bye, for a long while.
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