Emotional rollercoaster

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ToxicAntidote's avatar
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Want to know one of the worst parts right now? 
The times when I fall into those dark thoughts of that things would be so much simpler if I got some kind of physical injury instead. Those kind of thoughts have been more frequent lately. Just say that I broke one of my legs. Then it would so much easier for both myself and other around me to see and understand that when this leg has healed, then I'm ready to move forward again. Or I got assaulted by someone. Just randomly, or because of some kind of feud or something. Then I could use that as an excuse for that I need to heal and feel safe again before I can move forward. 
But with these damn....mental ghosts(?)...I can't put a finger on how and when I will ever feel healthy....feel normal again. Live a normal life again.

I've had these issues for many years. It's just that everything has gotten worse over the past seven years. 
Some periods of time I've actually felt like that I were healthy enough to move on. I felt happy that I had a job, had good friends, started lifting wights, ate more healthy and ate at regular times, had good nights of sleep most of the time, and so on.

But now, now it feels exactly the opposite of that. 
And in just a couple of days it could probably feel good again. And then after a few hours everything is bad again. A fucking unstoppable rollercoaster of emotions. Emotions that I all too often have problems to first of all understand, and also to control.

I'm going have to wait for over two weeks until my next therapy session, and I'm scared that I'll have crawled back into my own "safety bubble" again, that made me have problems talking at all at those sessions. Not that I'm very good at talking now, but at least I'm getting better at it over time. 
I got so much chaos going on inside my damn mind that I wish I could put into words. Especially when going to these sessions. But it feels like everything's just stuck inside when I finally get my chance to sit down and talk about whatever's on my mind.

I were supposed to start working again yesterday. But the night before I couldn't catch one single hour of sleep. My mind kept on struggling with how I and others would react to me coming back again. I kept worrying about if I got worse again that I would have to stay home for a longer period of time.
It's that damn fear, those damn worries....

And worst of all....I can't seem to be able to get away from those self destructive thoughts of me getting physically injured instead to make everything easier to handle. 
I even started thinking about how people would react if I died. Either by my own hand or because of some accident. Different scenarios of accidents started to form in my mind. Getting hit by a forklift at work. Accidently shifting lanes straight into a truck with my car. Leaning too far over a bridge's reeling. So many ways to accidently die.
But I don't want to die. I want to live.....most of the time. 
Kind of getting stuck in the loop "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live". 
© 2015 - 2024 ToxicAntidote
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