ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Want to know one of the worst parts right now?
The times when I fall into those dark thoughts of that things would be so much simpler if I got some kind of physical injury instead. Those kind of thoughts have been more frequent lately. Just say that I broke one of my legs. Then it would so much easier for both myself and other around me to see and understand that when this leg has healed, then I'm ready to move forward again. Or I got assaulted by someone. Just randomly, or because of some kind of feud or something. Then I could use that as an excuse for that I need to heal and feel safe again before I can move forward.
But with these damn....mental ghosts(?)...I can't put a finger on how and when I will ever feel healthy....feel normal again. Live a normal life again.
I've had these issues for many years. It's just that everything has gotten worse over the past seven years.
Some periods of time I've actually felt like that I were healthy enough to move on. I felt happy that I had a job, had good friends, started lifting wights, ate more healthy and ate at regular times, had good nights of sleep most of the time, and so on.
But now, now it feels exactly the opposite of that.
And in just a couple of days it could probably feel good again. And then after a few hours everything is bad again. A fucking unstoppable rollercoaster of emotions. Emotions that I all too often have problems to first of all understand, and also to control.
I'm going have to wait for over two weeks until my next therapy session, and I'm scared that I'll have crawled back into my own "safety bubble" again, that made me have problems talking at all at those sessions. Not that I'm very good at talking now, but at least I'm getting better at it over time.
I got so much chaos going on inside my damn mind that I wish I could put into words. Especially when going to these sessions. But it feels like everything's just stuck inside when I finally get my chance to sit down and talk about whatever's on my mind.
I were supposed to start working again yesterday. But the night before I couldn't catch one single hour of sleep. My mind kept on struggling with how I and others would react to me coming back again. I kept worrying about if I got worse again that I would have to stay home for a longer period of time.It's that damn fear, those damn worries....
And worst of all....I can't seem to be able to get away from those self destructive thoughts of me getting physically injured instead to make everything easier to handle.
I even started thinking about how people would react if I died. Either by my own hand or because of some accident. Different scenarios of accidents started to form in my mind. Getting hit by a forklift at work. Accidently shifting lanes straight into a truck with my car. Leaning too far over a bridge's reeling. So many ways to accidently die.But I don't want to die. I want to live.....most of the time.
Kind of getting stuck in the loop "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live".
The times when I fall into those dark thoughts of that things would be so much simpler if I got some kind of physical injury instead. Those kind of thoughts have been more frequent lately. Just say that I broke one of my legs. Then it would so much easier for both myself and other around me to see and understand that when this leg has healed, then I'm ready to move forward again. Or I got assaulted by someone. Just randomly, or because of some kind of feud or something. Then I could use that as an excuse for that I need to heal and feel safe again before I can move forward.
But with these damn....mental ghosts(?)...I can't put a finger on how and when I will ever feel healthy....feel normal again. Live a normal life again.
I've had these issues for many years. It's just that everything has gotten worse over the past seven years.
Some periods of time I've actually felt like that I were healthy enough to move on. I felt happy that I had a job, had good friends, started lifting wights, ate more healthy and ate at regular times, had good nights of sleep most of the time, and so on.
But now, now it feels exactly the opposite of that.
And in just a couple of days it could probably feel good again. And then after a few hours everything is bad again. A fucking unstoppable rollercoaster of emotions. Emotions that I all too often have problems to first of all understand, and also to control.
I'm going have to wait for over two weeks until my next therapy session, and I'm scared that I'll have crawled back into my own "safety bubble" again, that made me have problems talking at all at those sessions. Not that I'm very good at talking now, but at least I'm getting better at it over time.
I got so much chaos going on inside my damn mind that I wish I could put into words. Especially when going to these sessions. But it feels like everything's just stuck inside when I finally get my chance to sit down and talk about whatever's on my mind.
I were supposed to start working again yesterday. But the night before I couldn't catch one single hour of sleep. My mind kept on struggling with how I and others would react to me coming back again. I kept worrying about if I got worse again that I would have to stay home for a longer period of time.It's that damn fear, those damn worries....
And worst of all....I can't seem to be able to get away from those self destructive thoughts of me getting physically injured instead to make everything easier to handle.
I even started thinking about how people would react if I died. Either by my own hand or because of some accident. Different scenarios of accidents started to form in my mind. Getting hit by a forklift at work. Accidently shifting lanes straight into a truck with my car. Leaning too far over a bridge's reeling. So many ways to accidently die.But I don't want to die. I want to live.....most of the time.
Kind of getting stuck in the loop "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live".
Struggling with social anxiety disorder
I keep finding myself struggling with the right way to describe how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what's going on inside my own mind. Finding the words, the right words nonetheless, to explain to others, and sometimes myself. Suffering from a mental disorder is the worst thing in that way. Suffering from more than one mental disorder at the same time is thousands and thousands times worse, and I would much rather break both my legs, just so that I could point at a casket as an explanation to why I can't be there and do what I'm supposed to do whenever I'm asked to do something that is expected from me.
I'm constantly anxious of being judged by
Can't grasp my mental illness
Earlier this evening I sent two texts, to two different individuals, and some other messages to a few other individuals.
I probably shouldn't have done that.
Not that it was they were mean in any way, but it probably made me look even more pathetic than I already am. I'm not even sure what I expected to happen. Maybe that THIS time I get some kind of response...maybe even some kind of positive response?
I keep wishing that I had some physical injury, instead of this damn mental illness. I would be so much easier for me, and others, to grasp. So much easier to see what's actually faulty and to see when things are getting better, and maybe
The constant urge to say ''Hi, please see me''
I don't know how many times I've had to force myself to not text her.
Just now I wrote a text, that was both happy in some ways and sad in others.
My mind's just drifting up and down, all over the place.
I just need to hold out. I just need to focus on something else.
It's just that...during the weekends I tend to feel more lonely, and that triggers me to think about how much I miss her.
One of the greatest friends I ever had, and I just had to ruin it for both of us.
I guess I should just feel lucky if those I cared about didn't leave me when I get too emotional.
I guess that's just something you shouldn't take for granted, that
Who am I?
27 year old/young man, who should be living his prime time of life, but instead keeps repeating and threshing my old mistakes, experiences, memories and whatnot. A person who has been through a fucking hell most of his life, with extreme family feuds at home at an early age (99% just being a wittiness to all the horrible shit).
Later on taking shit from bullies throughout most of primary-school, middle school and secondary school.
Not only bullied by regular bullies, but also (could probably mostly be called teasing) by the few friends I had at some times.
With extremely low self esteem pushing through high-school with good grades in a
© 2015 - 2024 ToxicAntidote
Comments0
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In