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I understand better than you think. I know you don't think I do, but I really do. Or maybe it's just me being worried that you don't trust me enough, me being worried that you don't think I understand you enough.
I'm not saying that I know everything about you. Not saying that I fully understand you and what you are and have been going through.
But I do understand more than I may show. And I do understand more than you think I show.
That's my biggest flaw: I'm not that social and expressive and always smiling person I once was so many years ago.
I tend to express myself in ways that's too easy for most to misinterpret. I'm well aware of that flaw, and I try to get better at making myself understood. It's important for me, but also for others who trust me, who still have faith in me.
I know you've been told that I should be left alone, for my own good.
Well, I can tell you this: That's just a big misunderstanding.
As a matter of fact, the longer I'm being left alone, left out and not given the chance to explain, the farther I tend to fall into a darker state of mind than I want to.
Even though I didn't reflect it all the time, you were still the brightest light in my life. You helped me lighten up the road ahead of me, and even my mind when it started to drift too far into darkness.
You're still the brightest light in my life.
I admit I did get blinded though. Blinded by love. It's hard not to when you shine so bright like you do. So bright with warmth and love.
I miss you.
I'm not saying that I know everything about you. Not saying that I fully understand you and what you are and have been going through.
But I do understand more than I may show. And I do understand more than you think I show.
That's my biggest flaw: I'm not that social and expressive and always smiling person I once was so many years ago.
I tend to express myself in ways that's too easy for most to misinterpret. I'm well aware of that flaw, and I try to get better at making myself understood. It's important for me, but also for others who trust me, who still have faith in me.
I know you've been told that I should be left alone, for my own good.
Well, I can tell you this: That's just a big misunderstanding.
As a matter of fact, the longer I'm being left alone, left out and not given the chance to explain, the farther I tend to fall into a darker state of mind than I want to.
Even though I didn't reflect it all the time, you were still the brightest light in my life. You helped me lighten up the road ahead of me, and even my mind when it started to drift too far into darkness.
You're still the brightest light in my life.
I admit I did get blinded though. Blinded by love. It's hard not to when you shine so bright like you do. So bright with warmth and love.
I miss you.
Struggling with social anxiety disorder
I keep finding myself struggling with the right way to describe how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what's going on inside my own mind. Finding the words, the right words nonetheless, to explain to others, and sometimes myself. Suffering from a mental disorder is the worst thing in that way. Suffering from more than one mental disorder at the same time is thousands and thousands times worse, and I would much rather break both my legs, just so that I could point at a casket as an explanation to why I can't be there and do what I'm supposed to do whenever I'm asked to do something that is expected from me.
I'm constantly anxious of being judged by
Emotional rollercoaster
Want to know one of the worst parts right now?
The times when I fall into those dark thoughts of that things would be so much simpler if I got some kind of physical injury instead. Those kind of thoughts have been more frequent lately. Just say that I broke one of my legs. Then it would so much easier for both myself and other around me to see and understand that when this leg has healed, then I'm ready to move forward again. Or I got assaulted by someone. Just randomly, or because of some kind of feud or something. Then I could use that as an excuse for that I need to heal and feel safe again before I can move forward.
But with these dam
Can't grasp my mental illness
Earlier this evening I sent two texts, to two different individuals, and some other messages to a few other individuals.
I probably shouldn't have done that.
Not that it was they were mean in any way, but it probably made me look even more pathetic than I already am. I'm not even sure what I expected to happen. Maybe that THIS time I get some kind of response...maybe even some kind of positive response?
I keep wishing that I had some physical injury, instead of this damn mental illness. I would be so much easier for me, and others, to grasp. So much easier to see what's actually faulty and to see when things are getting better, and maybe
The constant urge to say ''Hi, please see me''
I don't know how many times I've had to force myself to not text her.
Just now I wrote a text, that was both happy in some ways and sad in others.
My mind's just drifting up and down, all over the place.
I just need to hold out. I just need to focus on something else.
It's just that...during the weekends I tend to feel more lonely, and that triggers me to think about how much I miss her.
One of the greatest friends I ever had, and I just had to ruin it for both of us.
I guess I should just feel lucky if those I cared about didn't leave me when I get too emotional.
I guess that's just something you shouldn't take for granted, that
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