Listening to: Ashbury Heights - Unbearable Beauty
Reading: Her texts...over and over again.
Playing: Faster Than Light
Eating: Chocolate bar
Self-harm isn't always about harming yourself physically.
Very often it's also about mental harm, in some cases all about mental harm.
I for one have never ever cut myself, even though I've played with the thought.
But for many years I've harmed myself with my own mind.
Digging deep mental holes in which I tried to bury myself when I couldn't handle all the chaos going on.
A lot of times I've harmed myself by forcing myself to not make myself heard when what I really needed was someone to speak to.
Ignored friends when they tried to reach out and help me. And then coming back and begged for help just to repeat the same damn mistake over and over again.
I don't do shit like that very often anymore. But sometimes I just can't do any better than close every possible way into my heart and mind, and just shut everyone out. Even close friends that I care about. They who care about me.
In the long run, and most of the time in the short run too, it's nothing else but self destructive. Obviously I need to make tons of change my way of thinking and handling my mind whenever the pressure is getting too high, but it's easier said than done.
I keep telling myself that if people around me just started asking if there's something bothering me I could easily start talking about it, and that way get a lot of steam off my mind. But just like with most problems the steps that makes the change possible is the ones that you take yourself.